Not As Strong As You Think
by Miss Jessie Cullen
Summary: What if, after the cabin scene, Dimitri regretted it and could no longer be Rose's mentor? What if Rose had her own way of coping with things? Alternative ending. Rated M for language


(After the cabin, what if the school hadn't been attacked?)

RPOV

Once we'd gathered our clothes and put them on, we both made for the door. All that I could think of was the feeling of his arms around my body, after we'd slept together...

I was on cloud nine, a stupid smile on my face. I ran my fingers through my messy hair, and as I did so, I sneaked a glance at Dimitri's face. He looked... angry. The total opposite of how I was feeling. Why was he angry? Was it me? Had I done something wrong? I mean, it was my first time, and it can't have been his first time. Maybe he was more experienced than I was, and had realised that I hadn't done something right, but was too polite to say? I couldn't bear it when people lied to spare my feelings. It would kill me if he was doing that.

He threw the door open so hard that it hit the wall, and quivered on its' hinges. Jeez – had I really been that bad in bed? I followed him out into the woods and closed the door quietly, but once I'd turned round again Dimitri had already strode off, the snow crunching under his boots. It didn't take long for me to catch him up. I had to find out what I'd done wrong.

I laid a hand on his shoulder. He flinched and I withdrew my hand. We had stopped walking altogether, and I quickly realised that he'd been avoiding eye contact.

I moved my head closer, forcing him to meet my eyes. He didn't look angry any more, just guilty.

"What's up, comrade?" I asked.

He sighed, closing his eyes. "Rose, that shouldn't have happened. I'm supposed to be the adult and I'm your mentor. Well, of course, that will have to change. I'll talk to Alberta immediately and sort that out—"

"What?" I whispered the word, but it was enough to stop him talking. "What are you saying? That you _regret_ what happened?"

He looked at me with pleading eyes. "You have to understand..."

"Save it." I was aware of tears running down my cheeks. I had been _used_. I had lost my virginity to the man I loved, too. And he had used me.

I turned and ran through the trees. I heard him calling "Roza!" but I didn't turn. I heard the pounding of his feet as he chased after me, but still I didn't turn. After a while of running, I finally lost him, and for that I was relieved. I didn't know how I would face him in the morning for training – that is, if he didn't ask Alberta for a different kid to mentor.

I stopped suddenly, a cold chill running through me. And there he was. Mason. Standing right in front of me, wearing that I-told-you-so face I had known and loved when he had been alive.

I shook my head at him. "Don't, Mason. I'm sorry. I've let everyone down. I'm such a failure. I can't believe I've let this happen..." I let my sentence trail off, looking into his sad eyes. And more than anything I wanted him to be alive and with me to give me a hug and tell me that everything was going to be alright. I was the one that seemed to be the shoulder for others to cry on, but never the other way round.

Then he was gone as quick as he appeared.

I sunk into the snow, a sobbing heap. I hated myself. Everything that went wrong in the world seemed to be my fault... I needed something to release some of the hatred and anger I had. Sure, I was pretty and had most guys pining for me – Adrian was living proof – but I saw ghosts. How messed up was that? I wished Lissa had never brought me back from the dead using spirit. I wished I'd never been born in the first place.

I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out my stake. There was only one way to satisfy myself.

I held out my wrist and cut it with my silver weapon. Again and again, back and forth. I quickly drew blood, which bubbled to the surface. I plunged my wrist into the snow, gasping at the pain. But it worked. I felt... lighter.

So I tucked my stake back into my jacket, jumped up and started back toward St Vlad's.

.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock beeping at 5:30 am. I sighed. Great. Another reminder that I'd never be able to have any other training sessions with my Russian God.

I was feeling happier and more calm and in control than I had yesterday, and I felt through the bond that Lissa was still asleep, so I drifted off once more, gladly letting the sleep take me. And then – oh, joy – I felt the mist of a spirit dream tugging me. God help me, it was Adrian Ivashkov. Absolutely bloody brilliant.

We were in St Vladamir's library. I was wearing a very skimpy short strapless black dress and killer heels. Adrian himself was in trousers and a shirt and tie.

"Little dhampir," he said with a lazy smile.

"You look good in a suit," I teased. "A tad formal for school, though, don't you think?"

"You don't look so bad yourself, Rose," he replied, his eyes wandering my body.

"Yeah, well, your imagination probably made me look skinnier and have bigger boobs," I shot back.

He looked confused. "No, actually. You really do look like this in real life."

I snorted. Then a sudden thought came to me. "Adrian, you know you drink a lot?"

"Yes?"

"Well, why do you do it? Is it... does it help you cope with stress?"

He frowned, probably wondering where this was going. "Well. I suppose so. And to deal with the fact that every time I try to get you to go out with me, you blow me off." He ran his fingers through his hair. "You know, I could have had you by now if you were any other girl."

"Well I'm not," I snapped. God, he was making me more stressed by the second. I wished he would stop stalking me in my dreams. "Why didn't you put me in my jacket? Where's a stake when you need one?"

"Um, Rose, this is _my _dream. Do you really think that I'd purposely put a Strigoi in it? Although that would be a good idea. I love seeing you fight. You look so sexy."

I shook my head, looking around in frustration for my stake.

"Oh, I see. So you can kill me with it?" he guessed.

"Wrong again, as tempting as that might be." I paused. He took the opportunity to interrogate me.

"What do you need a stake for then?"

I took a sharp intake of breath. I'd already said too much. "Nothing. It doesn't matter."

He suddenly froze. He'd been studying my body again, and I looked down to see where he was looking. Shit, shit, shit. My scarred wrists were exposed, and he had spotted them.

"Rose," he said shakily. "How do _you_ deal with stress?"

I put my hands behind my back. "I don't. Can I go now? Lissa will probably be waking up by now. I need to go."

"Rose," he repeated.

"Adrian, stop bugging me. Why were you up this time of morning anyway?"

"I couldn't sleep. Come on. You can talk to me."

"No, Adrian, I can't. You don't know everything in the world. You know, you all think that you know everything I'm going through when sure as hell you haven't got a bloody clue!"

And somehow, I tore myself out of the dream without another word from Adrian.

I woke up in a bad mood. I ran over to my coat hook and grabbed my stake. I told myself I wouldn't be doing this again if it wasn't for that spoilt Ivashkov brat.

Down in the cafeteria I found my table of friends and slammed my tray down. I had put on a long-sleeved top with my jeans, ensuring wrist-cover up. I hoped that Adrian had the sense to keep his mouth shut, because he knew what I'd do to him if he did – and that wasn't a lapdance which he so badly seemed to want from me; it would involve a lot of kicking and punching.

I stuffed a mini donut into my mouth, staring round the table at my mates.

Lissa, Eddie and Christian were chatting away.

"G'morning," I said once I'd swallowed.

"Morning Rose," Lissa smiled. Eddie and Christian muttered their greetings, before Lissa added, "You haven't seen Adrian this morning, have you?"

"No," I replied innocently. I was silently thanking my lucky stars that Adrian had had the sense to not even turn up, when someone plonked themselves down on the spare chair.

"Oh, there you are, Adrian," Lissa said. "I was wondering if we could try some more spirit classes later on."

Christian looked slightly uncomfortable, but he quickly replaced it with a poker-face as he sipped his orange juice.

"Course." Adrian seemed preoccupied, and rightly so... I had a feeling he'd want to talk about my little stress-releases and I feared he'd do it in front of my other friends.

I beat him to it. "Adrian, can I talk to you for a minute?"

He didn't look surprised, and he had dark circles under his eyes, his hair a little messier than usual. "Sure, Rose."

We stood up and I dragged him outside the door.

"Okay, Rose. You _have _to tell someone."

"No," was my only response.

"For God's sake, Rose! You have to get help! I can't deal with this... and you're acting as though it's my fault!"

"I said _no_ and I mean _no_. Deal with it. I have."

"Yeah, by cutting yourself!" he hissed at me.

Then, to my horror, I noticed with my dhampir eyesight, a movement in the shadows. The figure was unnaturally tall. I didn't need to see their face for me to know who it was – only one person at the school had that much height.

I turned and ran. I felt a strong sense of déjà-vu coming on, only the night before.

"Roza!"

"Piss off, Dimitri!" I called over my shoulder. "It's not like you care anyway!"

I don't even know why I tried. He was bigger and faster than me any day, and so I couldn't outrun him. He clamped a firm hand down on my shoulder from behind.

"Get your hands off me," I hissed at him. He removed his hand, ever the gentleman, but looked right into my eyes, and for a moment, I actually believed he cared.

"Rose, where were you at training this morning?"

I looked away. "In bed still."

His painful expression made me sigh internally. "You have never missed a session in your life – yes, you've been late but..."

"Why do you care anyway?" I interjected.

"What do you mean, why do I care? Of course I care, Roza."

"DON'T even call me that name any more! You fucking told me that you'd get me another mentor – one who I probably don't give a shit about, no less. So I just skipped it. I went back to sleep."

"Look, I know it must've looked bad—"

"_Bad_? You had sex with me and then you basically told me, 'sorry love, but I only wanted you for a quick fuck – it was nice knowing you!'" I made sure my voice was low, even though there were few people walking about.

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Rose, I didn't say that, but I know how it must have looked."

"No you don't. Do you know how many guys I could have had! Hell, I could've had Adrian fucking Ivashkov if I wanted! But no! I chose you, and then you just... dumped me."

"Did I say that I was dumping you? I said that we couldn't train together, that was all."

"You're unbelievable." I turned around and tried to run, but he had hold of me again. "So where does this leave us?" His hot breath on my neck made me melt inside, but my brain screamed at the rest of my body that this man was none other than a user, just after sex, and so I gained control over myself and strode away.

"Rose, come back here! Tell me that what Ivashkov said isn't true!"

"But what if it is?" I shouted back at him, and sprinted up to my room without another room.

.

The next few days consisted of locking myself in my room and cutting myself constantly. I had no food in my room, obviously, so it couldn't have been healthy not eating and losing blood every so often. I felt weak, but I still slept. For some reason, Adrian didn't visit me, and a couple of people had knocked at my door, but I hadn't answered. Through the bond I could tell that Lissa had not been told anything about my cutting, but that didn't mean she wasn't worried.

On the third morning I felt so sick I couldn't concentrate on my cutting. I had lit candles so that I wouldn't have to turn the lights on – my eyes were too weak for bright lights. And somehow, as I leaned over the flame, my sleeve caught on fire. I tried to put it out by hitting my arm on the bed covers, but they caught alight too – and I realised that I was dragging my life out longer than it needed to be. I would be doing everyone a favour if I disposed of myself... so I laid back and let the flames consume me.

"Rose? Rose! Please wake up!" It was Lissa.

"Come on, Rose. How will I survive without your sarcastic ways?" And that was Christian.

"If you die, Rose, I will be the best novice in the class!" ...that was Eddie.

Where was I? Why were they there? What had I done this time?

Outside the room I heard two people talking. One of which was Russian accented.

My eyes snapped open and I sat up quickly, making them all jump. They all looked more tired than usual.

"Rose!" Lissa got up and hugged me. I winced at the pain. "Sorry, sorry, I forgot..."

All of yesterday's events came back to me. "What did you do?" I croaked.

"What do you mean, what did I do? I healed you. You had that accident with the fire—"

"Oh, believe me, it wasn't an accident!" I couldn't help muttering.

Lissa and Christian, being Moroi, couldn't hear it, but Eddie was a dhampir and he could hear.

He looked horrified. "Why would you do that, Rose?" he whispered. "Why would you do that to us? After Mason... I thought you'd have more sense..."

"This is all about you lot, isn't it?" I yelled. "For once in my life this was just about me! And you couldn't even let me have that, could you!" I shouted at Lissa. Tears were forming in her eyes.

"You mean you... you wanted to die?"

"YES! You people all think you know what's best for me! But you don't! Nothing ever goes right for me!"


End file.
